Excerpts

As Insensitive Bastard travels through the maze of surgeries at Scalpel Depot, he meets Dr. Grizzly, Dr. Egotism, Dr. Cutlery, Nurse Angelica and Nurse Smilesalot to name a few.  Below are some excerpts that capture the spirit of the book.

I  was  halfway  done eating  when  the  surgeon  walked in and roared, “You can’t  eat  this  morning.  You  are  being  operated on!” So,  I  looked  him  in  the  eye  and  stated,  “No,  I’m  not  being operated on this morning. Surgery is canceled!” He said, “By who,” and I said, “By me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see one of the nurses crack a sly smile. Livid, he left the room.

My  first  day  of  hyperbaric  treatment  started  with  the  following sentence. “Once pressurized, we will be unable to  extract  you until  at least  five  minutes  after  you  let  us  know  you are  in  trouble.”  Trouble…trouble  is  when  you’re  a  kid  and  you are  late  getting  home  by  five  minutes.  There  is  no  equivalent in this situation, so if you’re going to have a heart attack or a stroke in that chamber, you’d better tell the “technician” ahead of time.

It was also  a time, the nurses knew, when we missed the ones we loved the most.  They would come in to check something and make small  talk  or  some  type  of  a  connection  that  took  us  away  from our anxiety-filled thoughts, if only for a while.

There  were  the  constant  staccato  beats  of  the  medical carts  being  wheeled  up  and  down  the  hall  that  sound  like  a drum  baseline.  The  never-ending  nursing  request  bells  that performed like the chimes sprinkled into a classical piece to add  signature  and  effect.  The  mechanical  beeps  from  the  heart and pulse monitors provided structure to the string section. And  the  drone  of  my  own  breathing  added  a  rhythm  flute  to the symphony, all captivating my mind.

Even with very few people in a large college restaurant, the fact I looked like I must have escaped the hospital got me strange looks  from most  of them. I  did get back  on  time, and I can  only  think  of  a  nurse  that  we  will  call  Nurse  Angelica.  She facilitated this event and for that, I will always be grateful. There may have been one or two other minor infractions during my time at Scalpel Depot, but I hesitate to include them so as not to identify Mr. Bastard.