For all of you trick or treaters out there, young and old, I wish you a Happy Halloween. This year it happens to fall on a Sunday night, during the Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings NFL Sunday Night Game. Now for most of the country this is no big deal, but imagine the tricks or treats you could have during the game.
Imagine Ezekiel Elliott fumbling the ball on the Minnesota 10 yard line and the Vikings recover just as your doorbell rings and your lifelong Cowboys fan of a husband yells, "GET THE FU.. OUT OF HERE!", As the children run and scream to their parents that your husband has just threatened them for simply knocking on your door for Halloween. Or, your wife, who grew up in St. Paul, cheering on the Vikings, watch quarterback Kirk Cousins lob a pass into the Cowboys end zone only to be picked off by a Cowboys cornerback who has the ball hit him right in the stomach, "You son of a bit..!" Then children running like a stink bomb went off in their school cafeteria.
Listen, I get it, the NFL would love nothing more than to sell merchandise with "your favorite team" logo inside a jack o lantern for that one day a year they can wrestle even more money away from us but why stop there? This year there is actually a double header on Christmas Day, just think of all of the "colorful language" to be decorated throughout the house on the most holy of Christian winter events. Perhaps we could have a game that has half-time Midnight Stroke game where one year turns into another and they drop an NFL logo from the space needle in Seattle while the Seahawks play the Jacksonville Jaguars.
I do understand the Thanksgiving Day game though, especially when the sideline reporter shows a mynah bird, inside of a chicken, inside of a duck, inside of a turkey, inside of an elk on national TV just as we're all about to get sick from too much of granny's dressing. It's just a day of pure gluttony and general sickness, why not have some fun watching bodies crush into each other for hours and hours. Most of the family is either vomiting from Aunt Franny's giblet gravy in your only bathroom or fighting from a batch of too much liquor'd up egg nog that pitted two rivals against each other.
So remember the Halloween, BE SAFE and wear your brightest team logo, we wouldn't want the NFL to miss out on any money, remember the NFL league office is exempt from taxes...Booo!
-Insensitive Bastard
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